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Day 95: the day my life changed

We woke up in our hotel room February 4th 2014, the morning after the Super Bowl power outage and life felt different. Not different enough to really put a finger on, but different enough that it was eliciting different responses in my body. It started with a light heartedness and desire to cuddle Adam more so than usual, followed by me rolling out my yoga mat on the hotel room floor and just laying flat having an awareness of my breathing coming slowly in and out. I noticed that I felt insecure and my mind kept coming back to ideas that certainly weren’t helping me, such as all the reasons that Adam could stop loving me and why our relationship wouldn’t work. I heard my mind screaming at me, “you’re too old for him, you live in different countries, your dogs are in different countries, he doesn’t make any money, you have gray hair, you have cellulite, you started this relationship too fast, your teeth are ugly, your skin is ugly, you have wrinkles and you’re pretty much just unlovable as a whole.” It was bad; my mind was hitting every possible point of weakness and insecurity in me, almost as if a floodgate had opened to everything I was scared of. And it was leaving me with the sensation of a mini panic attack right on the hotel room floor. What was this? Was my body rejecting Adam? Was I trying to push him away? To give him evidence that I was not worth the energy he was putting into this? Was I sabotaging my own chance at love here? It was strange to think that I was the one standing in my own way making excuses as to why I couldn’t feel at ease with this love that I’d literally been seeking my entire life. My lifetime experience of seeking and wanting love was very different than the experience of having it and allowing it in. Up to that point in my 35 years I’d had no “training” as to how to be in love or be in a healthy relationship because my parents were not the appropriate guides for that. They didn’t have a deep love for themselves or each other growing up, so it was impossible for them to teach their kids something they didn’t know. So outside of watching a few celebrity couples, books I’d read or movies I’d watch, that was my exposure to love. I’d never seen a couple that I liked or admired talk about how they move through their doubts, struggles or hardships in their life personally or their relationship, so when I’d hit those obstacles myself, I often felt lost &!confused, not knowing where to turn for support or guidance, and so I’d shut down and push everyone away, just as my parents modeled. But o knew that if I wanted a different story than my parents I’d have to make different choices, so this time in the hotel room when I felt myself having a meltdown, I did something entirely new and turned to Adam for help. Initially I worried that Adam would be turned off by me feeling so insecure and having so much self doubt that came out of nowhere. We’d just had such a great last two nights with friends in Denver, so why was I a crying mess on the hotel room floor? But Adam leaned in to my mess and surprised me by holding me tight and inviting me into his clarity and calm. “Baby, this is a road you’ve never taken before so it’s okay to be scared and not have an exact map. You have a tattoo on your back and on the outside of your business that says, ‘Never forget the pleasure of the journey’, so now it’s your turn, to step into that and take your own advice. Often times when you’re on the brink of breaking through and healing something big, the Universe will throw everything at you that triggers what you’re trying to heal and move through, giving you an opportunity to look at your dysfunction from every angle, just to make sure you see how it’s controlling you and not serving you anymore. So let’s try to see all these doubts, fears and insecurities as your map, showing you where you need to give yourself more love, so that you can step into a brighter and upleveled version of yourself. Cool?” Wow. This man who was over 8 years younger than me and was sharing some deep wisdom and insight. It felt like he’d just thrown a ladder down to me in the deep well of mental sludge I’d stumbled into and I could see the way out, but I’d still have to make the choice to move. Seeing my insecurities and fears as a good thing and cheering them on because they’re my map to healing? Huh. This was a new perspective and was going to take some practice. So I collected myself, took a shower and we went downstairs to eat some breakfast and I felt better. I wondered if perhaps this anxiety and self doubt was related to us going to meet the Alchemist today, and I could feel my mind soften. This new perspective helped me feel as though I were more often in control of my experience. Before we left the hotel for the day, Adam spoke with Bill the alchemist on the phone confirming the time and place where we were going to meet him. We were headed to Golden, Colorado, a place where I used to visit when I was in college in 1999, because the town was known for having a great section of river for kayaking. Back then Golden, Colorado felt like it was stuck in time; still known for cowboys and cattle coming through the center of town and stopping traffic. And this was where the alchemist lived. Interesting, I loved it. I dressed in my favorite outfit, which happened to be the same outfit I was wearing when I met Adam. The pants were form fitting yoga pants, heather grey, and they were soft to the touch from all the use. My tank top was black with maroon letters on the front saying, “I love you,” and since I wasn’t in Costa Rica this time, I added a hoodie, my ugg boots, a jacket and my favorite rainbow scarf; I was ready to go. I watched Adam get dressed, him not caring at all what he was wearing, and I laughed at how different we were in that way. But something he did care about was having a large amount of cash on him, which I thought was strange. Before we’d left for Colorado we got the idea to open a Chase bank account for Adam in Park City, because he’d made over $2500 from his work at the spa thus far doing healing sessions on both my staff and spa clients, and so we’d issued him a paycheck, as we do the other staff. But living in Costa Rica he had nowhere to put it, and so we opened a new account for him. However at the time, Adam insisted that he keep $1000 on him, which felt strange to me, seeing as how we’d be traveling in a big city. But he was confident he’d need it but he just didn’t know for what. When we pulled into the neighborhood in Golden where the alchemist’s directions took us, we realized it was a trailer park, and when we parked our car to go looking for his place, Adam reached into the glove box for the stash of cash and put it into his jacket. “I’m going to keep this with me in case I need it.” “Babe, we’re walking into a trailer park meeting a guy we’ve never met, to do who knows what. You really think it’s wise to bring an envelope with that much cash in it?” Yup, he did, so that’s how it went. We had the alchemist’s trailer number so we wandered through the aisles looking for him, and I admit, this was my first experience entering a trailer park, and I noticed I felt a little more on guard than usual, looking all around for any evidence of a threat. We found Bill’s the alchemist’s place and rang the bell by the front door and an older man, maybe in his late 70’s answered and let us in. I took in everything; it was my first time being inside a trailer so I felt fascinated by what I was seeing. There was a constructed entryway that stood apart from the trailer itself and it was filled with odd looking equipment and wires. Bill led us through a sliding glass door into the living room space, and the ceiling was low and everything felt compact. There was a recliner chair to my left, a coach against the far wall, and I saw a doorway off to the right to what looked like a bedroom. The kitchen was tiny and just past it was a doorway that must have been bathroom. Everything in the space felt small, but oddly efficient, and it all felt like a flashback to the 80’s in decor and smell. Bill directed us to sit down on the couch on the far wall and as we passed the coffee table, I saw a book on the table: “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, and I felt a big sigh. We’d spent the entire morning talking about the gifts my perceived imperfections had, so how could it be that this book talking about exactly what Adam had said was sitting right here. I was amazed at the synchronicity. Bill was warm in his greeting and he and Adam instantly connected, because they were speaking the same language since that first conversation on the phone a few weeks ago. We talked about the crystal skull convention where he’d met Holly my accountant which still felt crazy to hear that she attends seminars on crystal skulls, but I was doing my best to just roll with it. When we sat down on the couch facing Bill, I could tell he was excited to show us whatever he had, and he immediately asked if either of us had any current pain anywhere. “Umm, yes, I do.” I replied. I’d fallen on the ice a few days before and gotten some whiplash in my neck so it was hard to turn my head comfortably to the left. It seemed he was excited to hear about the pain, cause he immediately handed me a little card, just a little smaller than the size of a deck of cards and told me to place it face down over the pain, and so I did. I felt instant relief and even felt like some of the range of motion in my neck was returning. I held it there and kept rotating my neck with a quizzical look on my face, and I could tell he was about to answer the questions bubbling up in my head about what this was I was holding. This man was clearly a scientist and he began to explain the molecular configurations he’d created in the card and how each card was a little different, but that they all helped activate healing where they were placed. Some cards were for anxiety, some for grounding, and this particular card I was holding against my neck was for aid with inflammation. What the hell was this? Bill continued on, seeing we were intrigued and he asked which of us would like a healing treatment today, and Adam volunteered me. Bill nodded and walked away for a moment but returned with a tiny black box that had some cords coming out from it and two big rings that were the size of hula hoops, except they were made of a few strands of thick metal, wrapped around each other. He placed one loop on the ground and attached the cords from the black box to it, and he was holding onto the other loop, directing me to step inside. “What do I need to do?” I asked “Just stand there and do nothing” he replied. I noted that “do nothing” kept coming back as an essential tool for healing. So I simply stood there, watching him move around me, taking the second large loop and putting it over my head, and it was hovering above me. Then he slowly moved the metal hula hoop down so that it was at my eye level and he began moving it up and down, from eye level, then up off my head and down again, and he did this slowly a few times. “You’ve had significant trauma to your brain” he said, a comment which amazed me not only for its accuracy having had my traumatic brain injury and several concussions, but because he didn’t have any knowledge of me outside of my name and that I was a friend of Holly’s. I immediately looked at Adam and my eyes widened in amazement. “Yes, I have, I had a traumatic brain injury years ago and several smaller head injuries since.” He nodded and just kept moving the hoop back down along my body, stopping at my chest and again, moving the loop up and down, “you’ve had trauma here as well.” And I smiled, because I wouldn’t exactly call it trauma, but I indeed had my elective boob job. I smiled and nodded and he continued down into my abdomen and reproductive area, sensing more trauma, and my head began spinning and I got dizzy, thinking of all the trauma I’d endured in that area, but again, I just nodded. He continued to name every injury on down to my feet, and he ran the loop over my entire body a few times, having me step through it when he reached my feet. And after stepping through it a third time, he was satisfied and just said, “ok, you’re healed.” And I didn’t know what to do with that statement. I was healed of my brain injury? I was healed of the trauma of my boob job? I was healed of my sex assaults? I was healed of my other self induced traumas? What did that comment mean? Bill could tell I was confused, so he went on to explain that he reset the structure of the field around me to one of healing and highest good, so I could expect to experience some of the side effects of healing, which include but are not limited to feeling emotional, feeling nauseous, feeling irritable, feeling sore, and the list went on. He also let me know that now I could remember anything I wanted and explained that my body apparently has a level of vibration that is its source code so to speak, and with the help of the loops and anti gravity machine (the black box with the cords), he was reminding my body what it was naturally, and giving it permission to reset and be healed. Now it was up to my mind and heart to get on board and roll with the healing, and integrate what came up. Huh? This felt insane to me. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any weirder, they did. A door opened just a few feet away from us and a woman emerged who we assumed was his wife. She was carrying two gold colored scarves and walked towards us as though she already knew everything and didn’t even need an introduction. Bill of course told us this was his wife Pat, and that they used to make gold and silver infused clothing intended to help balance the energetic field and they had a few pieces left. Bill explained that the two scarves Pat was carrying each had a different chemical makeup, and that they knew which would be best for us but they wanted us to feel each to see if we could sense the difference. I took the first scarf and placed it around my neck and felt a warm sensation envelop my entire body. Though it was just around my neck, it felt like I’d just slipped into my favorite outfit. Adam put on the other scarf and I heard a similar response from him having the scarf on. Then Pat told us to to switch scarves, so we did, and after I put the second scarf on and didn’t feel the same warmth, I realized to my amazement that there was a distinct difference between the two even though they looked exactly the same. The difference was something unseen in the energy and alchemical mixture in the fabric, and Adam and I looked at each other knowing that we were navigating a new world here, one in which magic did exist and we were sitting here with two people who weren’t magicians per se, but they’d learned how to identify, differentiate and use energy in their favor, something we both wanted to learn. Adam and I exchanged scarves back to the ones that were the most comfortable feeling for us and we knew we wanted to buy them, but we stayed quiet. Bill and his wife had what appeared to be a conversation right in front of us, but very few if any words were exchanged. Bill explained that he was hosting a training coming up the next month on the little black box and tools he’d just used to heal me, but in the same breath he said there was a training, he said it was full and he’d continued to get calls from doctors and therapists trying to get in. But he went on to suggest that he could create an opening for us because there were no couples in the workshop yet and he knew having a couple learning this style of healing would bring a new element to the work. We humbly accepted the invitation to the training and told them we could return to Colorado the next month for it, and I reached for the scarf around my neck and saw the price tag on it and my eyes grew wide. We knew these were not your average scarves by the feel of them, but the price tag told us that as well, but that didn’t dissuade us from our decision to have them. But Pat appeared once again from the front room returning with a bigger item, a silk Kimono, made from the same blend as Adam’s preferred scarf, and she told us this was the last Kimono they were going to make because the price of gold was now too high. Adam took the kimono from Pat and put it on and just by the look on his face I knew that something in him was shifting and that kimono was meant to be his as well. We added up our total and asked if they took credit cards, and a loud laugh filled the room. I took that as a no and I realized this couple lived completely off the grid, without even cell phones. Then I remembered the stash of cash that Adam was insisting he bring with us in to the trailer park and I smiled. We had the money for all 3 items and it seems Adam was right all along with his knowingness to have the money with us. As we made our way out of the trailer park with our two scarves, kimono and belief system stirred up for what was going to be possible, Adam and I walked very slowly going back and forth between belief and disbelief. Was this magic really happening? Were these really healing tools or just pieces of dyed overpriced pieces of clothing? Although I wanted to believe in this magic there was still a little bit of hesitation in me that was just rooted in lack of experience with this sort of thing. But with each step I could feel my faith and belief in myself, in Adam and in us beginning to grow and I could tell Adam felt the same, but what happened next still shocked me. We rounded the corner of the trailer park, and Adam stopped me and looked me directly in the eye, “baby, our life is about to change. And I know I don’t have a ring or anything on me right now, but will you marry me?” I stared back at Adam for what felt like an eternity and I felt my words rumbling in my chest, coming up through my throat and then I heard them come out of my mouth, “fuck yeah!” I replied and I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck. But of course, I could feel my thoughts racing; what on earth was I getting into?! Marriage, so soon? Would Adam move here? Would I move to Costa Rica? What would I do with my business? Nothing made sense but everything made sense, which was what felt so overwhelming. And with my eyes closed I saw a bright light and that’s what I focused on until we came out of our hug and he took my hand and we walked to the car, except this time, he was my fiance holding my hand, not just Adam, the handsome hippy healer from Costa Rica. Life indeed had changed, but this was just the beginning.

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