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Day 84: follow that yes

On the morning of December 7th I awoke in what felt like a foreign land. Sure I was in Costa Rica, but I was waking up next to a handsome, smart, fun & nice guy, who seemed to adore me, so hence the foreign feeling. I took in the beauty of everything outside with the view and took in this incredible scene inside the house, and sighed deeply as I began to prepare myself for returning to both my life and my yoga retreat at hotel sugar beach. I knew my time in Costa Rica and with healer Adam was coming to a close so I was trying to prolong every moment. By the time Adam awoke and was ready to drive me back to the hotel, I felt more calm and relaxed and ready to say my good bye if that’s how things were going to play out. Though the hotel was only a few minutes away, it felt like another world at this point, and i found that holding onto Adam’s arm as he drove, helped ground me. Adam pulled into the hotel entrance, slowly drove up the dirt road, and parked in the visitor parking, indicating he wouldn’t be staying for long, and he walked me back into the common dining area. Our yoga retreat group’s breakfast was just ending, so there we were calmly navigating a sea of eyes to get me back to my cabina. I’d only known this group for about 5 days and would probably never see any of them again, so I let the stares I got roll off pretty easily, but it made me really realize there would be consequences to not actions. . Adam had glanced at his sign up sheet for healing sessions as we passed through the hotel lobby en route to the dining area, and he had 2 healing sessions scheduled that day and the first was beginning shortly, so I knew it was time to separate. “I’ll see you later, ok?” he said, with a kiss on my forehead in the middle of the dining area, with people moving about around us. Wait what? When? Where? And how? Would I need to sign up on the sheet again I wondered, but Adam just smiled and began walking away off to his appointment leaving me to go on about my retreat life and wonder when the next time I would see him. I’d have to be patient, stay relaxed and trust, two things that didn’t come so easily to me. I participated in our retreat activities through lunch, and kept going out to the parking lot to see if Adam’s car Big Rhonda was out front. And on the 3rd check in, it was no longer in the parking lot, which made me a little sad to know he was no longer on the resort premises. And then a sudden panic came through me that he was gone for good, so I went up to the front desk to glance at his healing session sign up sheet. I saw he had 1 more session with a guest who was in the cabina nearby to mine that afternoon, so my entire body relaxed knowing generally where he’d be & when. I didn’t see Adam arrive for his last healing session but I also was only lightly paying attention through the front window of my guesthouse. But about 25 minutes after his session was supposed to begin, I saw him outside in the distance walking slowly, back up towards the front parking lot, and I knew this was my chance to reconnect and figure out if or when I’d get to spend time with him again. I walked out onto my porch and called out to him and he redirected his walk up towards my place as he’d done just 2 days before when I saw him for the first time. Except this time there was a different energy to him. When he got closer to me he said, “hey babe, want to come with me? I’m headed home.” And that was all it took. I grabbed my little beach bag, and threw in sunscreen, face wash, my toothbrush and a change of clothes and scribbled a note to my roommate Lisa and left it on her bed that I’d see her tomorrow. Yes, I did make an assumption that this was going to be another overnight adventure, and away we went to leave the premises in Big Rhonda. There wasn’t the same shock when I opened the door of Big Rhonda to get in this time, but I did notice that Adam had cleaned up his car a little. He’d thrown away all of the obvious trash, and I felt flattered that maybe he’d noticed my initial discomfort seeing his car so messy and responded to it. This time as we were exiting my yoga retreat together we didn’t have a specific plan and it was no longer his birthday, so I wondered what things would be like, so I started off our hang out by asking him how his latest healing sessions went. He went on to tell me about how the first one went perfectly and she was able to open and receive, but then told me the second guest wasn’t open, and she doubted him from the beginning, so they ended the session about 20 minutes in because she was so resistant, bordering on a little rude. That’s why he’d left early and seemed to be in a different world just now. Made sense. Adam was new to offering his healing work to the public; in fact, this job at Sugar Beach was his first time going public and I was client #3, which meant this woman, who rejected him, was client #5, and he was taking it like a champ. I think if I’d heard such negative (growth inspiring) feedback about my massages so early on, I don’t know if I’d be as confident as I am today, so Adam’s reaction to his “hater” was incredibly inspiring. When we got back to his house, the day went on as though we’d been together a lifetime already. We talked about life, love, future retreat possibilities, saving the world and I even found myself having the patience to sit on the back porch overlooking the ocean and string together a new crystal necklace for myself with Adam’s guidance. I wasn’t ever much of a jewelry person, except for my massage rings I wore all the time, so learning about crystals from Adam felt really new and interesting. His brother was also still there, so I had a lot of fun talking with him and realizing how ok it is for siblings to be radically different and still come from the same parents. His brother was a chemical engineer, was a guy’s guy, drank a lot and was quite loud. But boy did he love Adam, and I could tell that Adam gave his brother space &!permission to express a piece of himself that maybe didn’t come out as much at his home in Chicago. So there he was stringing a beaded necklace together right alongside me, and talking about the surf & beach clothing company he’d love to open someday. Someday. That’s what we got talking about. While Adam made us an incredible dinner, we talked about what I wanted to do someday, and I got to think big and outside of anything related to what I was doing now. In the future, I told him I wanted to offer educational yoga retreats and healing travel opportunities to seekers, and people wanting peace and quiet, both in their body and their surroundings, and it turned out that’s precisely the plan Adam wanted as well and already had in motion, with his small crystal & surf shop up the road. It was like he was in my head and coming up with perfect answers and solutions to everything I’d never taken the time to wonder about. What did I want to do and who did I want to be outside of or in addition to Align? Here this question was unfolding so easily, on a trip I’d taken in order to kick off the adventure of finding me amid my own self-induced inner chaos. After dinner Adam offered to do another healing session on me which I happily accepted because I now understood what to expect and how to pay him (massage). We had more privacy this time in his bedroom, and I found a cozy spot on the bed and closed my eyes to begin doing nothing. The easiest and hardest thing for me to do. I focused on my breathing and didn’t see as many images this go around as I did the first one, or perhaps seeing myself barefoot, pregnant and married was big enough to last me a while. I wasn’t necessarily seeking anything, except for peace and trust along my path, because life was beginning to feel a little crazy with all the ideas and opportunities circulating around me. But in this session i felt far more relaxed. After we completed this healing ceremony I crawled up into Adam’s lap and wanted to go straight to sleep, but instead we talked about what I felt and what he saw. “Does a pink dress mean something to you?” he asked. “What do you mean?” I understood the question but I wanted more from him. “I saw an image of a pink dress as well as a stone staircase you were standing on…” I couldn’t believe it. The pink dress. The one that my previous boyfriend’s mother had given me for ThanksChristmas just a few weeks earlier, and now hung in the spa’s staff room. A dress that symbolized me feeling completely misunderstood by someone and knowing I needed to leave. The dress was almost like a permission slip to move on. And the stairs? I had 2 experiences in Bali the year before that involved a stone staircase, and in them I was feeling the most myself, free and expressed. Ok, now I was a little freaked out by what Adam saw. He literally saw something specific that was inside my head, and a stone staircase is maybe a little general but a pink dress? Nope, that was real time healing going on and I knew I needed to pay attention to what I was experiencing. I stayed the night again at Adam’s again, which meant the following day was Friday, December 8th, the last day of my yoga retreat, and Adam’s last day offering healing services at the hotel. Our retreat leader saw me reenter the hotel and had asked that I stay on site for closing activities and for a final party that evening. Part of me filled with fear that I hadn’t solidified my next plan with Adam yet and I was scheduled to leave tomorrow, but then another part of me was super chill, relaxed and filled with trust and allowing that all would work out just fine. Which side do I choose to honor? The fear or trust? As Adam was preparing to head off for his day of sessions and me to head into my final day of retreat activities, we came together in an incredible embrace and just held each other. He pressed me against his chest, and I felt the happiest I’d ever been. Luckily my roommate Lisa was sitting in the lobby and she caught our embrace on camera, and I can feel ya. It was a perfect moment that I didn’t want to end. And as I pulled away from him, the words stumbled out of my mouth, “so I’m leaving tomorrow…” “Baby you don’t have to, stay a few more days with me.” I felt a YES in every cell of my body and nestled my head into his chest once again. And that’s how we got our first photo together and I knew this was real. And I quickly got on the phone to begin making some changes to my plane reservation and my life. Namaste

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