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Day 81: Meeting my future

How do you know your life is about to change? For me, I knew it the moment I woke up that Wednesday, December 5th, 2012; there was something different that felt different about the day and I knew it instantly. It was day 5 of our yoga retreat centered around learning how to say yes to love, and I was the only one in the group staying around the hotel for the day, as everyone disappeared on various Costa Rica excursions, so it felt exciting to be mostly alone in this gorgeous spot at Hotel Sugar Beach and only have me and my self care on my agenda. Everyone left very early for their excursions, so I had breakfast with a woman who was also staying behind, and we talked about life and love, and how she was on this yoga retreat to heal some of her own stories that were bringing her more suffering than good. She’d already had a chakra balancing session with Adam the day before, and she told me she loved it and it was very relaxing. That gave me some comfort in knowing that I wasn’t the only one who had booked with him. There was a palpable silence throughout the Hotel Sugar Beach space without all the guests, so I wandered the property and beach thinking about anything else I was willing to release in preparation for my chakra balancing session. I was new to an experience such as this, so I wanted to feel prepared.

I returned to my room at 10am and began my ceremony of getting ready, which involved me carefully choosing what I wanted to wear and laying it out on my bed. I selected my favorite soft grey lululemon pants and my new black “I love you” shirt and my rainbow flip flops. I showered, tied my hair up on the top of my head, put my lip gloss on, drank some water and was ready for my appointment by 10:45, in case Adam the healer arrived early. From my years of owning the spa, I enjoyed being prepared for sessions 15 minutes before they started, so I could get into the right head and heart space for my clients, and this session felt like something I wanted to be in the right head & heart space for. Well, so much for my being read, because 11am came and went, and there was no sign of Adam the healer. So around 11:15 I began to wonder if I’d written down the wrong appointment time, so I thought about running up to the front desk to check the sign up sheet.

But that’s when I saw him in the distance.

Adam the healer was slowly making his way down the cobblestone path towards my room #13, but he certainly didn’t look like a healer to me. He didn’t have any shoes on, his shirt was barely buttoned, his hair curly looked messy like he’d just rolled out of bed, and he was wearing board shorts. Ummm, was this hippie surfer looking guy the one who was supposed to heal me? He was late for our appointment, but by the way he was moving, he either didn’t know he was late, or he didn’t care, and both responses to time were perplexing to me. I studied his every move as he grew closer to my door, making up my mind that he probably couldn’t help me both because he was late and because he didn’t have any shoes on; and I wondered if this was going to be worth the money. But I also realized I hadn’t looked on the flyer to see how much his sessions were. Whoops. Apparently it was me who was unprepared because I only had about $20 cash on me, and most healing sessions that I’d been to were more than that.

As Adam the healer came onto the porch of casita #13 I opened the door of my room and stepped out and greeted him with an anxious and slightly annoyed, “Hi,” hoping my body language would let him know I’d been waiting and he was late. I was startled at how handsome he was up close; he had wavy brown hair that was long enough to brush against his shoulders, smooth olive skin with about a day’s worth of scruff and his unbuttoned shirt revealed a hairless tan chest. He gave me a relaxed smile when he greeted me at the door, but didn’t acknowledge his late arrival, which was peculiar to me. I felt a little awkward standing outside the door face to face with this handsome hippy healer, so I immediately redirected the focus to our session and asked him, “so where do you want to do our session? Inside my room or out on the porch?” And I instantly felt shy about having him in my room, like it was an intimate space, so I answered my own question and walked out onto the porch and pointed to the two chairs. I was never good at small talk, but I felt the need to say something to Adam, to level the playing field or even understand what kind of a playing field we were on, and I wanted to make sure he knew that I was a healer myself and that I’d also seen a lot of healers in my life, as if that would scare him into wanting to perform better for me? I don’t know. And so I asked some preliminary questions to break the ice and learn more of his story because I didn’t want to put myself in the hands of someone who wasn’t legit; after all, real healers arrive on time and wear shoes, right? That’s what was going through my head when all he did was show up as himself, with openness and kindness to help me.

Adam the healer told me he’d moved to Costa Rica to teach physics and math at a local school after college, and I found myself feeling surprised that he went to college, because my judgement about his appearance was strong. He went on to explain that he was from North Carolina and went to Duke University, a college that was quite prestigious, which felt confusing and interesting to me. If he was so smart, why would he live in the jungle, work in a surf and crystal shop and not wear shoes? His life didn’t fit into any normal molds I’d ever seen, which helped me shift from thinking I knew everything to realizing I didn’t know anything, and that helped me relax, so that we could begin our session.

We made our way to the 2 chairs on my porch and Adam positioned the chairs so that he was sitting behind me. His instructions to me were to “do nothing,” so of course I needed clarification of what “do nothing” meant, because slowing down and stopping wasn’t something I had a lot of experience doing. Adam explained that I just needed to get comfortable, close my eyes, relax and focus on my breath. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and immediately began worrying if I had enough cash to pay him, because I forgot to ask how much he charged. And then my mind went on to wonder if Adam the healer took credit cards or if I could charge this session to my room, and felt a sharp guilt that I wouldn’t be able to pay him. But that’s when I felt his hand on me the first time; he touched my shoulder and I shuddered.

“You’re doing too much.” he said quietly.

Shit, he can read my mind I thought. I didn’t want to interrupt our session, turn around and talk about money, so in my head, I decided that he’d be fine with doing an exchange with me for our session. Yes, I’d give him a massage, and that decision allowed me to let my worry dissolve, because I found a solution to the stress I’d created for myself. And then I finally felt myself sinking deeper into a state of mind or state of being, that felt soft and unfamiliar, but also safe, and I began to see what appeared as screenshots floating through my head. It was like I was watching a movie in my head. I saw a girl and she was on a beach, she didn’t have any shoes on, she was pregnant and smiling and moving towards a man. I immediately wondered who this girl was and how she’d gotten into this movie in my head, but then as I zoomed in to this picture in my head, I saw this girl was me. But that didn’t make sense for a ton of reasons. But then it got more confusing because I saw she had a ring on her left ring finger, which told me she was married, and she was moving towards Adam, the hot hippie healer who was helping me. Wait what? Was I seeing a vision of myself married to this guy, living in Costa Rica and having a child with him? That was so far off from where I was in my life it almost seemed laughable, but instead of open my eyes and end this visual, I let it continue and stayed curious.

I watched how this version of me moved with grace and ease and how she lit up when she was in Adam’s presence. She sure did look beautiful carrying his child, which felt crazy to imagine because the me I knew didn’t want kids. I felt myself smile in real time because these two people, the dream version of me and Adam the healer looked so happy together. But then I felt a shot of guilt that I’d just dragged Adam the healer into this weird healing fantasy I was having. Because that’s what it was right? Just a fantasy? I mean, this couldn’t really happen, because my whole life was in Utah, not Costa Rica, so I kept trying to dismiss what was literally unfolding in my mind’s eye. But after what felt like an eternity of staring at this couple in my dream-like state, I felt Adam calling me back to the real world with a touch on my shoulder, and I slowly became grounded back to my present circumstances: I was single, 35, not pregnant and on vacation in Costa Rica. Part of me liked fantasy Harriet better, but it seemed complete outrageous that that reality would come to be.

As the session was ending, I turned around to meet Adam’s gaze and the first words out of my mouth were, “so do you read minds during these sessions?” I asked because I felt a little embarrassed at what I’d just experienced, because it was clearly him I’d been exploring this other life with in my healing session and I wondered if he had any idea what had just happened in my head. Adam grinned at my question, with what felt like a knowingness, like perhaps he’d seen it to? But neither of us had the courage at that point to talk about it, or maybe it was just me who didn’t have the courage and so I stayed quiet about it. He asked what my experience was like, and I wasn’t about to tell him that I’d just seen a snapshot of another life, one in which I was his wife and I was pregnant with his baby; that could have been awkward. Instead I told him that it was relaxing and that I’d seen some interesting things, but I quickly changed the subject and asked what his experience of me was.

He said it took me a while to relax and let him in which was true, but then went on to explain that he’d found something noticeable in my gut area, the area of my second and third chakras. He said there was a lot of deep sadness there. When I heard this I felt myself immediately get embarrassed and want to deny it, so I responded, “Oh that’s probably just from my ex boyfriend from a few years ago, it was a hard breakup...” Because that was it, right? I didn’t want to dive in and explore the concept of a deep sadness in my life as a prevailing theme, especially not now, in front of this guy I’d just barely met. Therefore I dismissed Adam’s diagnosis and my emotional experience. And I was grateful that Adam could tell I wasn’t ready to dive into anything deeper. Sure I felt sadness in my life. I was sad that I often felt I was missing out on love, and said that I’d tried so many different roads to reach happiness and love, but they’d all turned out to be dead ends, leaving me with a feeling of not knowing what the hell to do next. Hence the reason I’d taken the next 5 months off from my spa to try and figure it and me out. But I didn’t want this handsome hippie man to know I was sad. I wanted to appear as though I was happy and had my shit together.

I thanked Adam for his time, and told him I didn’t have much cash, so I asked if he’d like a massage from me, in trade for his session. “There’s no charge for this but I’d love to get a massage with you!” he said, and I immediately thought I was the most important girl in the world, that he’d waived his fee because of how profound the session was, and I felt even more amazing. We agreed to meet back at my room at 8pm and I’d work my magic on him and explore whatever this feeling was between us just a little deeper. Adam left my guest room as slowly and consciously as he’d entered and I couldn’t wait to tell Lisa my roommate about this surreal encounter.

Lisa had opted to go out on activities that day, so I had plenty of time during the remainder of the day to examine what had just happened from every possible angle to gain insights for myself. After all, I wasn’t supposed to literally marry this guy and move to Costa Rica and have his baby right? Because that didn’t make any sense. So what could my vision of him be symbolic for? I felt my heart and brain divided, in that part of me wanted to dismiss the fairy tale reality I’d just gotten privy to, while the other part wanted to explore this connection deeper and see what was possible. And do I tell him what I saw? Did he see it too? Is that why he smiled at me at the end? All questions I hoped I find answers to tonight in our session.

More on that next healing session soon.


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