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Day 79: forty days to 2019

40 days I just counted and there are 40 days left until the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019. Forty. Holy shit. A calendar year is a wonderful way we have to organize & reflect on life. I think about the year and how old I am as two incredible tools for reflection. And so as this 2018 calendar year comes to a close and I’m 5 months into being 41, I’m going to give myself the gift of remembering some big moments in this 2017 calendar year that I feel immensely grateful that I got to feel, heal, experience, move through or heal from. And because I’m nerdy and enjoy structure sometimes, I’m going to share this month by month beginning a year ago from now: November/December 2018 I was pregnant and kicking ass at that. I was still teaching yoga 2-3 times per week, walking every day, meditating often and watching Netflix marathons of shows like greys anatomy, parenthood, gossip girl. But the best part of November was the baby shower that calli and my sister Katherine threw for us at the spa. There was so much love there I almost didn’t think I could handle it. Friends and family from near and far, came to celebrate the nugget of love growing inside me named Aurora May. Even the Lanka’s flew in for this gathering. And I got to experience the pregnancy pillow at the spa for the first time and I’m grateful someone created that. Because to lay face down at 6 months pregnant was orgasmic. In December I connected more with a wonderful group of women and attended a few dinners and social gatherings. I’ve loved the last year of meeting so many new women and seeing them appear in my yoga classes. I’ve formed lots of little bonds with several of the women and with each I have a tiny micro universe of an experience. For example, I met Jacqueline, and immediately connected with her over her owning a gorgeous boutique hotel & spa called Los Altos de Eros. I loved Jacqueline’s energy and so I took Adam for a 2 night stay up at Altos de Eros for our 5 year anniversary, his birthday and a little baby moon. And it was perfect in that I could tell she and the business are about little details and relationships, and that’s how I roll with Align Spa. Her chef even made us a delicious birthday cake for Adam. So that experience was unforgettable and we had our last Christmas together, which I barely remember because I was so tired, but I was happy and grateful. January 2018 We repainted several apartments, we did a little Airbnb and had incredible guests, and we did a beautiful sound healing bath at heart & flow, my dad & paddy came to visit and surprised us by buying Aurora a new car! Obviously she won’t drive it until she’s 15, but we’re going to drive it until then, and we feel so blessed for that gift. It was great having them visit and see us and the life we’re building down here for our family. And speaking of life we’re building, the owners of the Sanctuary space where we’ve lived for the last 6-10 years randomly dropped by and “kindly” let us know they wanted us to leave by August so that they could have a better chance at selling it. And wow, okay, great; that was a lot to hear at 7.5 months pregnant. But it kicked us into action and knowing we needed to find our own place and that we were going to build it from scratch. Holy shit, dreams were coming to fruition. And so the land seeking began, a practice we’d been casually doing for 3 years already. We had a realtor already (shout out to Kamphouse), and we let him know we’d gone from casually looking for property to being open and available to it now and we needed to find something. And poof, the space appeared the next day. The Lanktuary was going to come to life. Emotionally: felt grateful, supported, excited and very large in my body. February 2018 We were deep in the final preparations for Aurora, we did a few more workshops and gatherings here, and that might have been my last week to do ladies dinner night. We had a baby moon ceremony on the new moon to welcome Aurora and adam painted my belly. We also had a wonderful group of work aways here, Austin, kimberly & Susanna, and adam build a few pieces of furniture for Aurora’s room that made it all come together. I taught my last yoga class February 18th because I was so damn big and couldn’t teach comfortably anymore. Emotionally: grounded, a little bit of anxiety around giving birth and just felt generally big all over. March 2018 My sister Katherine arrived on March 4th, 2 days before my official due date. It was wonderful to have her here to experience life here with us, rather than a quick in and out trip like she’d usually done. And then we had an arrival! Aurora May lanka was born at 4:04pm on March 8th at clinica San Rafael in Liberia. My mom came to visit, The Lanka’s came to visit and then my dad & paddy came to visit and it was amazing to be surrounded by so much love. But wow, recovering from a c section is no joke. Emotionally: Holy shit I gave birth to a mini human!!! And I cried pretty much every day. Over big and small stuff. I noticed how much my body would respond to people and situations. Breast feeding was going amazing the first few weeks, and then my dad came to visit and my milk production were never the same. The body is fascinating with its response to stress. April 2018 I began to teach yoga again, and we settled into life with Aurora May. We also closed on our land, found a builder and began creating the designs for our new home & healing space. Our friends Patrick & Cameron came from Nosara to visit, and we did our first initiation ceremony up on the land on oddly enough to mention, but we took Aurora our for an outing for the first time and she went to Walmart in Liberia with us; which was certainly an adventure for everyone. The second anniversary of Zona dog passing came and went on April 22nd and I enjoyed feeling less pain around that. And I spent the month falling more in love with Adam and his dad skills, and Aurora May. Emotionally: I began to feel a little more in my body but bouts of post pardom depression were hitting me hard. I felt super vulnerable, very needy and emotional May 2018 I had my first experience back at ladies night and we went to surf box, which was awesome. I did an online course called “Awaken the Species” with Neale Donald Walsh, and Adams friend Collin from Duke came to town with some friends and we met new lifetime friends. I hosted a sound healing with Luis that Aurora was present in and loved, but we lost our sweet jerry dog, but we were able to be there by his side when he transitioned which was really special. Aurora May really began to show herself and her personality this month. I also got back into my essential oil practice this month, and began to take a few every morning with honey. My self care practice was revving up again. Emotional: I began to really get my self care practice going again which helped me feel more like me. Depression still struck throughout the month as weird reactions to stuff in and out of my control. June 2018 Aurora May got her first passport, Calli & Amylu from Align Spa came to Costa Rica, and it was a gift I was able to give them based on how well the spa was doing. And to experience this with them was literally a dream coming true. We went up to Altos de Eros for a spa day, had lots of beach time and I did a sound healing yoga class with Luis up at colores Del Pacifico. Emotionally: the depression took a back seat because I was so grateful for the experiences coming our way and I was still giving myself permission to be healing. July 2018 We took a whirlwind trip to Utah and North Carolina where Aurora May got to meet so many new friends and family members. We also nearly missed our flight as we learned that Aurora needed permission from the country to leave the country since she was born here. We were the last to board our flight and were sweating it. We spent a night with Mary Julia & Scott in Durham, a night with nini & Fred at my grandmothers house in cashiers North Carolina, a night with our friends Felipe & Amanda in Charlotte and then had an incredible few nights with friends in the country outside of Asheville to celebrate Mary & Adam’s wedding with a ton of Adams old friends from growing up. And Aurora got to meet our cousin Skylar, who’s 2 months younger. And then we had a week in park city and got to enjoy the spa and having grandma Mary watch Aurora May. It was our first time traveling with Aurora and it was a breeze. Emotionally: ugh. Lots of rollercoaster emotions; I began to compare myself to other moms and babies and arbitrarily judge myself for where I was and was not. This in turn made me snippier with Adam sometimes and a few times I went into communication break down. Noticing is the first step toward healing it. Adam sure is amazing at handling my breakdown space m. August 2018 It was my birthday! And we did a sound healing a few days later, and I brought my breast feeding journey with Aurora to a close. We finalized our design for the new space, and we had a new dog named Zoe join our space. She was 9 years old and came from a friend in book club who’s daughter has developed an allergy to her. After a little settling in time to get adjusted to the pack, she fit right in. I also started my weekly goal meetings with Mj and began to write daily. Emotionally: doing my best but struggling to feel like my body is mine again. Aurora stopping breast feeding, which was hard on me and that took some time to work through. The meetings with Mj were super helpful to my psyche. September 2018 Broke ground on the house, Amed came to visit, and we took a little mini vacation to Escazu & Monteverde to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I also left the house for the first time with Aurora but without Adam and went to the store and to Surf Box for lunch and loved seeing so many from the community there. I had one of our volunteers with us so I was supervised. And Aurora tried banana for the first time which made me cry a little that she’s already moving to solids. We had an incredible group of volunteers through work away from all over the world and felt so incredibly supported. My dad’s boat manager Christopher came to visit from California with some of his boat crew and brought baby supplies and practiced yoga with us. Emotionally: comparisonitis is real. And feeling not enough in several categories of life is real. Flying off the handle and shutting down a few times for no good reason, but it’s helpful to acknowledge it’s happening October 2018 Dad came to visit, I hosted my first book club at the sanctuary and Adam cooked dinner for us. I initiated orgasm October which was an enormous stress reliever and helped Adam and I connect even more deeply. I was gifted a meaningful glass mermaid from my friend Jacqueline who was leaving town, and we took a family trip to chicago where we saw great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, a cousin, and old friends. We also cleaned out and rearranged Adams brother’s room where we stayed, and it looked incredible afterwards. Adam and I left Aurora for the first time with Adams family when we went to see the movie “A star is born” and It didn’t go so well. But it got better each time after that. Firsts can be hard. Aurora tried sweet potato and that didn’t go so well and we ended the month by having Halloween with calli & Amylu in Salt Lake City. And we also made the decision that Margeaux, our very first volunteer, will be returning to the sanctuary in January with her boyfriend for 3 months, so that was wonderful news. Emotional: what the f is going on. Feeling super blessed for everything that’s happening, however my anxiety and sensitivity feels like it’s at an all time high. My writing got disrupted due to travel so I wonder if not having that outlet contributed to some funk. November 2018 Started the month in Utah and had a staff party to celebrate our 15 year anniversary and to celebrate the staff that have been at Align Spa for 10 years or longer. We celebrated success and the long ass journey we’ve had together to arrive at 15 years. Reconnected with my friend James over a warm beverage after yoga, and Nikki came to visit Costa Rica. My mom did an incredible job watching Aurora May and we had a peaceful trip back. Since home, we’ve had a few learning experiences thanks to work away regarding boundaries and expectations and energy, and we grew thanks to it all. We’re celebrating the full moon and thanksgiving with friends at Castillo. Emotionally: beginning to write again but not back on track fully. Noticing that when I don’t have my peaceful & quiet block of time in the morning, it tends to interrupt my whole day. Returning to affirmations, yoga & diet. I ate way too much sugar on Halloween and we brought lots of chocolate back, so I got to notice how much chocolate doesn’t help me. But chocolate is a hard relationship to release. December 2018 I know we’re not in December yet, but we’ll be attending a tapping workshop, we’ll have an essential oils workshop and we’ll be doing another crystal bowl ceremony. So all that being said, what can I do to make this end of 2018 feel really good and invite in 2019 with ease? I will be softer I will be funnier I will be purposeful I will be fun I will be supportive I will be a team player I will be my best I will love fiercely I will sweat more I will be sexy I will make love I will drink more water I will meditate more I will eat high energy food I will meet high energy people I will teach and do a lot of yoga I will help people I will heal people I will be an example of love I will massage Adam more I will be gentle with myself I will be kinder to myself I will write I will have less chocolate I will be grounded, grateful and trusting. I will fall in love with and be love with my life, myself, my husband, my daughter and my grander family units both blood and friendship. And so 2018, I feel like it's been a good year and it is through my daily moments and count up to 2019. Namaste

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