Day 53: The letters (cont'd)

September 30, 2018

 

After sharing what I did yesterday, seems fitting to add in a learning experience I had around sexual energy that was a little more positive. This experience was unfolding around that same time from my college days in the late 90's.  So with that, I'll introduce you to A***.


Dear A***,
I met you in sociology class in college and you always sat quietly in the back corner with 1 foot up on a chair. You were so handsome with tan skin, very fit physique, green eyes and curly black hair that was short enough to be considered short but long enough to display your curls.

One day in class the assignment was to pair up with someone and discuss our experiences of sex & gender and do a presentation together about our experiences. You were 1 of 2 guys in the class and we ended up being partners. 
It was Fall of my junior year at University of Colorado and the weather was beautiful so everyone went outside to talk and you and I sat beneath a tree and discussed life, sex & gender. I couldn’t help but be a tiny bit mesmerized by your green eyes against your tan skin. You told me you were from outside of Las Vegas and your mom was a card dealer at a casino. When I asked about your dad you said you didn’t know who he was, and your mom never told you anything about him. That was the first time I’d ever heard of something like; of someone not knowing who their father was, and it felt both sad and interesting at the same time. After class you told me you had a nice time hanging out and asked if I ever wanted to meet you at the Boulder Bookstore on Main Street and study together. I said yes.

We continued hanging out as friends over the next several weeks of class and we grew to have a wonderful flirtatious friend connection. It was my first real friendship with a guy and it felt really special.

You raced road bikes on the weekends and you invited me to one of your road races and asked me to hand out a water bottle to you at the halfway mark, and it felt like an honor to be asked to be part of your support crew. I wondered if you knew how much of a crush I had on you. You’d just recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a girl named Betsy and I wondered how beautiful Betsy had to be to get your attention for so many years. I felt oddly jealous of her.

That summer after school was out somehow you and I ended up meeting up in Northern California because we were both on separate road trips. I was driving the Pacific Coast highway for fun, and I also wanted to put myself where I knew you'd be, so our rendezvous happened in Boulder Creek, California, which we both thought was fun because we lived in Boulder. The campground we chose had tall Redwood trees everywhere and I parked my green Toyota Tacoma next to your grey Nissan truck and we set up a campfire. We both had toppers on our trucks and mattresses to sleep on in the back, but mine was a little more cushiony so on our second night you asked if you could come watch a movie with me in the back of my truck. I said yes. The movie was Permanent Midnight with Ben Stiller. We didn’t really watch it but it did stay on in the background as we slowly began to kiss and you moved on top of me.

What I remember most about that night is how tender, gentle and cautious you were with me; I’d never been with such a gentleman. You kept asking if I was okay, if this was okay and if I was comfortable. I kept saying yes, because I was. And then you asked if I wanted to have sex, and again I said yes, so you made the necessary preparation and away we went. It was fairly short, but sweet and perfect in its own way, and then we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I felt seen, heard and cared about for the first time in my life, and I kept thanking you for the experience, which in hind sight may have seemed weird. We went our separate ways literally that next afternoon and it would be a few weeks before we’d be back in Boulder again together and I had no idea what to expect with you. Txt messaging didn’t exist at this time so occasionally I’d miss a random call from you, but we didn’t speak again until Colorado. 

I knew when you were getting home so on that day I raced over to your apartment and I could tell I'd just missed you. You had a private basement studio apartment on the backside of someone’s house with your own entrance and I knew you were home because your truck was there and your front door was open. You’d just left on your bike which could be 10 min or 4 hours so I wandered around your living room for a moment deciding whether to sit and wait or come back. I wanted to see you so badly and continue or talk about whatever we had started in Boulder Creek, California.

I noticed an open book beside your bed and I couldn’t help but notice the most recent page. You’d JUST written about your desire to find out who your father was, and about how you admired Luke Skywalker from Star Wars for becoming so strong without knowing who is father was for a lot of his life.

I felt tears well up in my eyes. Here I was witnessing your quest to heal, but I didn’t have your permission, so I got terrified you’d walk in on me reading your journal, so I carefully put it back where I found it and ran out of your house. I never told you I was there and about what I’d read. 

Later you came over to my basement apartment and we sat on my bed with my head against your chest and talked. And there you shared the most painful, beautiful and unforgettable truth with me. You said that you loved spending time with me but it was confusing because you weren’t ready for a serious relationship so soon after your breakup with Betsy. Then you told me what I’ll never forget. You said I wasn’t the kind of girl you could have a rebound with, you said I was the kind of girl you’d marry; and since you weren’t ready for that, anything less wouldn’t be fair, so it was best things stopped where they were.  And I understood and agreed and so we ended us cleanly then and there.

We had 1 mutual friend, so I stayed up to date on your whereabouts from him; you went on to become a well known road racer in the professional circuit and almost a decade later we’d cross paths again at a bike race in Truckee, California. Except I was now a professional massage therapist working for a competing bike team and you were an independent racer. You greeted me warmly with a sincere hug and asked if I could make time for a massage for you, and I said yes. The experience of giving you a massage felt full circle. Like we were both healing something old and creating something new. And you won the whole race the next day. I was proud and you were grateful, and we hugged one last time and said goodbye.

 

I heard you got married and moved to Hawaii and had a baby, good for you, I'm happy for you, you deserve it.  You're a gentleman.  And I hope you found out who your father was, or made peace with the not knowing. 

So thank you A*** for showing me a glimmer of connection around sex, for showing me that men need healing too around stuff they’re afraid to discuss, and for breaking things off with me in a way that helped me feel amazing about myself. There’s nothing but gratitude for you, and I release you from my experience. 

 

Namaste 

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