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Day 51: Letters to my sexual teachers (part 1)

Aurora May, you’re lying right next to me right now growling, playing with the window curtain, and gazing up at me smiling. I want you to know that it’s a messy time in your father and I’s home country, and there’s a lot of energy in the air around sexuality, permissions, and taking responsibility for your behavior, particularly in the realm of sexual energy. I want you to know that it’s my intention to have you be free from any energy I bring you in this regard; as in you’ll be free to make your own choices about your beliefs around sex and men because I haven’t passed mine into you, from my cellular structure to yours. And part of the reason I’m writing this to you is so that I can acknowledge, feel, honor and clear myself of the stories, confusion, drama and trauma. Then the path will be clear for you to have your own experience. Yesterday in particular was a pivotal day for the United States; a man who was and maybe still is a predator, and who is running for senate, as in will represent our country, was held accountable in a court of law for his behavior towards women. And the issue is not necessarily whether the country believes the accusers or believes him, but it’s whether or not we care and will act on this care. Someone who is elected to the senate is supposed to have the best interests of the country as a priority. And I need to ask, how does a man who has disrespected and dishonored women, half the human race, have our best interests at heart? He doesn’t. He’s sadly not far from our president, who reminds us again and again what a dip shit he is, without moral integrity. So it’s a challenging time to want to reclaim and heal my relationship with sex; when I’m being bombarded from all angles online with confusing, funky and National unsacred vibes around it. But my relationship with sex is currently getting in the way of me connecting with your father as deeply as I can, and that effects the environment we can create for you, so I’m declaring to the universe that I’m ready to heal, transmute and release the charge in my relationship with sex. And in that healing I’m replanting a new relationship with sex that can bloom more beautiful things like you Aurora May. Name it to claim it and feel it to heal it; and so I’m naming those that were my teachers in my sex story and sharing the lessons I learned from them, and I’ll be addressing each man (and two women) personally and they’ll be in no definite order. May the force be with me.  And*** I shared what happened with you in the second Day 29 (I realized later I accidentally repeated days). I pledged my virginity to you because of your money, your family influence, and because you were the only one giving me an inkling of attention at a time when I felt alone. You didn’t mean any ill will towards me and we were both just doing our best and didn’t know better. I forgive you and I release you and our experience. J** You quickly and strangely became the best friend I’d had in a long time in a town that was new to me. My parents were out of town when we first kissed in the hot tub at my house and the way we looked at each other was beautiful. You were leaving to go to the Olympic training center in NY for a few weeks, so there is we an urgency to our sexual encounter. We had to get it in, but for what? To consummate our friendship turning romantic? I don’t know. What i know is that my innocent 16 year old self drove your 15 year old self home in my dad’s black suburban, and we pulled off into a school parking lot, climbed into the back of the car, you pulled out a condom and put it on, and it was over in less than a minute. That was my second time and it was no more special than my first, but we wanted it to be. We tried once more to have sex a few weeks later at our friends house, but there were too many people around, and then we broke up shortly thereafter. I forgive you and I release you & our experience. Ch*** You were such a magical start; like a life line for me after my car accident summer of 1994. You found me desirable when I was still trying to understand who I was after such a traumatic re-entrance into the world. We met literally on a street corner and I was driving past you as you were out training on your roller skates. You lived in a basement apartment, were training for the Olympics and we made it such a hilarious thing that we’d have sex on your bottom bunk as your roommate slept on the top. You were a sophomore in college at the University of Utah and when you moved back down to Salt Lake City at the end of the summer, we spiraled into a relationship that was far from magical. You lied, you lead me on, you were condescending, and you gifted me my first STD, which I didn’t even know could happen until I got an exam, and the nurse called me. I had to have my sister translate what she was saying because I was so confused. That “gift” you left me took over 5 years for my immune system to clear. Fuck you. You were a hard one to get over and forgive. But that’s part of the process; so I forgive you, and I release you and our experience. Ugh. Ry** You were also a magical start. We met at the Main Street deli in park city in 1996 when I was fall break from Hamilton college in Clinton, NY, the college I hated and wanted to leave on day 2. I’d worked at the deli in high school so the scene was familiar to me. You cooked my food and we were engaging in light hearted conversation through the deli window, and I learned that your parents lived just 30 min from where I was in Ny. And so we created a relationship from that. I came back for Christmas and we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then you flew out to visit me in the spring and we road tripped to Boston together where two things happened. First, out of nowhere one evening you decided to give me your virginity, which I held very sacred, and then the following night you gave me oral sex and said you didn’t enjoy it and wouldn’t do it again. I was ashamed, embarrassed and crushed, and I began to obsessively clean all private parts of myself after that, even carrying feminine wipes with me when I was out. Our relationship ended shortly thereafter. I forgive you, and I release you and our experience. 

I'm only just beginning, but I'm way past an hour.  More tomorrow.


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