Aurora May, today you are 198 days old and the scene pictured is when I finished writing you this letter, a little after 5am.
And you being 198 days old means my single most important job the last 28 weeks and 2 days has been to be fully present in my now and channel & choose unconditional love with you and within the physical & energetic environment your father and I are raising you in.
Does this happen every day? Umm, hardly. I'm here to tell you that the world spins madly on even though our world has forever changed having you in it. That being said, there have been enormous changes we’ve made to create the space for you to grow and thrive, but that also doesn’t mean it's been easy, I don’t struggle, and I don't have hard days. Sometimes choosing to love and trust in my moment feels like pushing a big car uphill.
But...I'm grateful to share that you my sweet girl, are enormously helpful in getting me to snap out of anywhere my mind has taken me that’s not rooted in unconditional love. And what's nice is that you can bring me back when I look at you or when you smile at me. You light up if it’s been a few hours since we’ve seen each other and you light up if I’ve only been out of your gaze for a few moments and your giggle and gummy smile are so cute it makes me cry.
You bring me back to Center and I bring you back to Center. What a beautiful energetic exchange. And what’s Center? It’s a personal thing of course, so for me it’s a feeling directly related to how much softness I’m allowing in. When I’m soft, I’m more likely to make more effective decisions towards my goal of being a channel for love with you, your father and my life. And Aurora, being soft in this world right now is one of the bravest and hardest jobs I’ve ever had.
Because softness is not typical, conditioned or easy; there’s no clear path to it because finding your way, learning what's in the way and how to overcome it IS the job. Choosing loving & grounded responses to events and people in my life as I'm living in the now IS the daily work of my job. And let me tell you, it takes mad skill to consistently choose love in the moment and not to fall back into my conditioned response.
And my conditioned responses vary, but what they all have in common is that they’re in the way of me loving me. I tell myself that I’m not lovable unless, if or when...fill in the blank to whatever conditions I've set for me to be enough for my own love.
It’s exhausting for me and for your father because he is my moment to moment coach for snapping me back into love. So I’m ready to make peace with me, to release these conditions I’ve put on my love and release the hold these beliefs have had on my self acceptance, personal power & ability to love myself. I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to myself. I would never judge someone else as harshly as I judge myself. And I would never bail on another as much as I’ve bailed and flaked out on myself and some of the goals I've set. I am my own mean girl and her roots and hold on me are old, ancestral, energetic and have expired. As a woman, I've inherited unhealthy and ineffective patterns of thinking and being in the world, and I’ve just been letting these responses, thoughts and judgements run rampant through my consciousness like unsupervised children on sugar. And that sucks to acknowledge, and that too is part of the work.
Here are some examples of me not loving & accepting me that are pretty recent:
When I walk by the hall mirror topless in my underwear and I see cellulite around my butt and thighs and love handles? I judge me.
When I look in the bathroom mirror and see that my 1 patch of grey hair that I’ve had since I was 20 years old (and I was covering until I was 36) has grown, and now spreads down my hairline? I judge me.
When my skin behaves like a teenager, I judge me.
When I’m looking at my phone and seeking acknowledgment & praise on a screen more often than I’m being with my adorable and non digital family, I judge me.
When I look in the mirror and see my teeth are a little yellow even when I don’t really drink coffee, I judge me.
When I realize my husband treats me with more unconditional love than I treat me, I judge me.
When I say no to a sexual advance from my Adam for any number of weird reasons I create, I judge me.
When I remember how amazing making love is when I’m lying next to Adam and get mad at myself for not doing it more often, I judge me.
When I see my close friends are going through far harder and life threatening things like cancer and sick children, I make my little consciousness crisis wrong and stupid and I judge me.
When I see in the mirror the enormous scars under my breasts from removing my 13 year old breast implants and that my right boob is bigger than my left because that’s the only one that’s wanted to disperse milk, I judge me..
When I see strong beautiful toned human bodies around me doing yoga and I see my body doesn’t look like that, I judge me.
Self love is like a full time job that I’ve been lazily showing up for, and that’s not the message I want to send you Aurora May. The more I love me, the more I can love you, your father, our family, and everything else in this crazy beautiful life.
So again, I’m reminded the importance of love. Being it, choosing it, emanating it and returning to it when I take a detour.
Today is another day of practice, so may the force be with me, and you too.
And I didn’t realize this was going to turn into such a long letter. So I’ll consider it my day 45 writing assignment.