Day 33: Reflections after the moon

September 10, 2018

 

So it’s Monday morning and the weekend was simply amazing. On Saturday night we had a wonderful potluck gathering of friends at our house to celebrate Aurora’s 6 months out of my belly and to celebrate the gathering of good people who we enjoy having around. The evening couldn’t have gone better.

As I went to sleep, I felt mostly grateful and peaceful. Then I began to realize that I was happy. Nothing was wrong, I wasn’t mad at anyone or about anything, people I love are healthy and/or healing, I’ve been writing and sharing it when I feel brave, and every project we’re excited about is moving forward at the pace it needs to for its fulfillment. We are surrounded by love both here and in Utah and we’ve been growing and nurturing this fantastic community here in Potrero that’s rooted in healing, yoga & living in love. 

So that being said...why the hell is it hard for me to feel happy & peaceful as my default setting? Why do I have to fight such anxiety every day? Fear of this going wrong, that going wrong, fear of someone dying, or me dying.

Those were the questions I was asking myself in my insomnia and was bringing to the new moon yesterday.

And because the new moon exacted right at the beginning of my 12pm yoga class, I asked everyone to write a dream or goal on a post-it note, and envision the moon supercharging it. And because I’m very much needing my own medicine right now, I wrote mine out as well before class began. I think expressing gratitude for what you’re seeking is the key to manifesting, so that’s the angle I took.

I wrote:
Thank you for abundance in all forms
Thank you for health, wealth, flow, community and wisdom
Thank you for love & softness
Thank you for my husband and marriage
Thank you for guidance and divine protection of my family (blood & chosen), Thank you for support & guidance on building our home smoothly & easily
Thank you for eyes that see all perspectives
Thank you for helping me forgive myself and others
Thank you for helping me be peaceful
Thank you for helping me help others

Adam wrote:
Peace
Patience
Presence
Perseverance
Love
Gratitude
Action

So...same same but different, which was endearing to see. So I dedicated my yoga and the new moon ceremony last night to all those ideas and words.

What I’ve also seen and realized that I brought to the new moon gathering is that for the first time in my life really, I have everything I’ve ever wanted all at the same time. An incredible husband, a beautiful daughter, health, vibrancy, a home we’re creating from the heart, thriving businesses, and the courage to write. I am the happiest, most abundant and most successful I’ve ever been in my whole life right now. And that’s kinda scary to admit and write. It’s like part of me is scared to own the happy, in fear that it’ll go away or something will be taken from me.

So I’m looking at that fear and asking where the root is and letting the universe know I’m ready to heal myself and embrace my happy and have it be a default state, not something I visit and dip in and out of.

And I also see that my writing is a HUGE piece of that peace I’m seeking, so that’s fuel to continue.

I’ve never written about a lot of this stuff before, but I’ve sure gone over the regret, shame & blame of the different past scenarios 100’s or 1000’s of times in my head. I ask myself why I did this or that, how I let myself get victimized, or taken advantage of or taken for granted. And I beat myself up, again and again over my past, which is something I can’t change and can only love & accept.

Up until now, a tactic I employ is to shift my attention elsewhere when negative thoughts cross my mind, or something in my past that I’m embarrassed or ashamed of dances through my head. So it’s not that I’ve found peace around my past, it’s that I crowd out the thoughts with other thoughts. Sure that’s a way to deal with my past, but that’s not a way to heal it or bring me peace around it.

But i really see that now, and how I’ve been short-changing myself with the distractions. So it’s time to heal, and I’m seeing that now, hence the commitment to write my way through.

I need to name it to claim it and feel it to heal it. That’s a saying I keep repeating to myself when I get to messy or scary stuff about my past that’s hard to process.

I didn’t know this was going to come through this morning, so I’ll sit with my Devon story today, digest more of the emotion in it, and share more about the unraveling of me tomorrow. It’s super early and I’ve already written an hour, so I’m excited to see what this day will hold.

Namaste  

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