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Day 30: On habitual resistance

So today I did an experiment. I gave myself a day off from writing and gave myself permission to just see where the day went without me feeling like I needed to be anywhere, do anything or get my writing in for the day. I woke at 4:30am, did a meditation, I pumped, then Aurora woke up, I fed her what I pumped and we just hung out together and played and listened to music. I was thinking about life. My best friend from growing up had sent me a msg saying she found out a few days ago that she had breast cancer, so I cried and began to activate gratitude for my health. That’s the 3rd friend in the last 10 days that has announced they have breast cancer. It's the closest to home breast cancer has ever been to me. Adam woke up, made me a brilliant breakfast of a shake, apples and peanut butter and a hard boiled egg, then he plays with Aurora and reads to her. I just stare at them and listen for the squeals that she only has with him. Our builder came over late morning to review the final plans for our home and new yoga & healing space, and the project is turning out to be more expensive than we’ve budgeted for. That activates a bit of panic, so we think about where we can shift some plans to lower it, and we see we need to get creative with how we're going to create the money for this project. We look at each other knowing phone calls and emails will need to be made, and comfort zones will be stretched with having to ask for more help on a loan, because we can’t use a bank in the United States and my good credit.

So Universe, please know that we’re going to generate $325,000 easily from various sources, and our project will be done in February, and this space will bring so much joy to so many people, including our family. Life feels a little overwhelming, like I’m staring over an edge looking at the feeling of stress, and deciding whether to take it on, or just look at it, knowing I have a choice. I can see the circumstances, but I can also see what responses I can choose, and I’m choosing to be soft and trusting that everything is happening perfectly. Then our daughter falls asleep and my husband guides me towards the bedroom and drops his pants and begins to massage my head and neck. I resist, and say "no", and push away from him. Why?! We both asked at the same time out loud. We paused and talked about it. Why am I choosing out of pleasure? Why am I saying no to love making? There's literally nowhere else I need to be except here in that moment receiving pleasure from my husband.

so our eyes met again, I came towards him and he took my clothes off piece by piece and we go into the bedroom and make out for 20 minutes before making incredible love. As in it gets better every time these days. Because we're connected to each other. I was able to relax today, but it took work and it was not my habitual response. Saying no was my habitual response. Adam asked if he was the first guy who’s ever explored my body with the intention of play, love and bringing pleasure, not the intention of getting something from me. I thought about it and he is the first partner to ever listen to my needs and respond when we make love. And it’s the best love making I’ve ever had in my life. But again, it was fascinating to observe my habitual resistance and my immediate no, based on what I’d experienced in my past. Even being with Adam nearly 6 years, I still have so much scar tissue around sex and sexual trauma I'm working through to really break through to be in joy around sex.

Everyday, in every way my life is getting better and better. REPEAT that again and again. So cheers to softening, getting out of your own way and asking yourself what you’re resisting just out of habit, and get curious about it. Tomorrow I’m going to share a tough story. It’s about the time I briefly sold out, both in my business and in my soul, and I went through a small hell and fiery rebirth. I've never shared this story before in writing because I'm finally feeling peace around it. Ciao for now ❤️

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