Day 20: reflections on marriage
This is a touchy subject and it’s hard to write about, much less feel or talk about. But it’s a conversation that keeps coming up in my marriage so I wonder if me really going there and writing my way through some thoughts will help me sit with the magnitude of what I’m dealing with. I hope so, because I’m ready for a positive shift, because I know my marriage, my husband and my daughter will benefit.
Recently my husband (been married 5 years) and I had a big conversation about the needs in our marriage and whether they’re being met, as well as a conversation about what we’re both committed to together and apart. We wanted to have an audit of our life together and see how well our values were being reflected in our every day life as individuals, as a couple and as a family. It was a hard conversation and I tried to run away several times, as in I said I needed food first, water first, a shower first, and then I ran from the conversation by going downstairs and locking the front door.
But Adam came in through the window to find me and have it.
The conversation was this. Adam has been wanting more quality time with me, as he’s been feeling taken for granted lately and not feeling like he’s a priority in my daily attention span. And you know what, he was right and I felt a lot of shame admitting that to both myself and to him. In fact, I may not have even clearly admitted that he’s right to him until now, in these words here. I HAVE been taking my husband for granted, yes; The love notes he leaves me, the snacks he prepares for me when I wake up, the middle of the night care for our daughter so I can sleep, the items he quietly removes from our family to do list and doesn’t expect a medal for, the relentless attention to my needs and his seemingly inexhaustible attraction and affection for me. Even when I feel at my grossest, he’d make love in a Heart beat. He’s my healer and has been since literally the first moment I met him at Hotel Sugar Beach at 11:16 on December 5th, 2012. And being my healer is a job he works hard at every day, and he doesn’t clock in or clock out or get paid to do it. He does it by just being himself and reflecting back to me what is and is not love. And sometimes that’s fun and beautiful to look at, but often times it’s messy.
I realize now that I’ve been expecting this role from him and even feeling mad or resentful if I feel he’s not showing up as I expect, rather than feeling grateful for him continuing to be love on all fronts, show me love and be a presence of love & support for our family.
But why am I making all this love wrong? That’s what I’m leaning into and investigating right now. Is it a fear of happiness? Of not feeling worthy of it? Or do I have some weird addiction to struggle? Yes, all of it and it’s time to call myself out. But not only that, it’s time my behavior got congruent with my intentions. Sure I can intend to spend more quality time with my husband, and sure I can intend to be more affectionate and present to our needs as a couple and his needs as my husband, but until my actions start regularly aligning with my intentions, the words and intentions are sorta meaningless, kinda like putting glitter on shit, it’s still shit even if it’s sparkly.
So this is a public announcement that my marriage and my family are important to me, and that being in love and showing up for it is a part of my healing journey. Yet the last 18 days since I’ve created this writing and self care challenge, showing up for my writing has gotten more attention and commitment than my marriage and family.
That ends now.
And in moving forward I won’t promise my behavior in my marriage will be perfect every day, and some days I’ll probably f up and be a not so awesome wife, but even those days I’ll count as part of this healing journey I’m on, of being given the opportunity to lean into or out of love in every moment on a daily basis. What a gift, to be able to explore what I keep putting in the way of unconditional love.
Cheers to more leaning in, regardless of the mess.
And to Adam, I love you to the moon and back and thank you for making me feel so loved unconditionally and for making me a mother, it’s an extraordinary gift that reveals itself daily.
Ciao for now, I’m going to go have quality time with my family ❤️