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Day 15: a day of being off but on

Let me start with saying that a rest day doesn’t mean I am “off.” I’ve still put energy towards my goal of showing up for myself. I’ve walked a ton, I’ve cleaned the house, I’ve responded to some messages, I’ve written notes in my handwritten journal, I’ve helped finalized the design on the house, I’ve said I’m sorry to Adam a few times, I’ve said no to a few things that didn’t feel in alignment, hired another interesting volunteer for October, had a great check in meeting with my friend who’s also being goal oriented right now, and I’ve enjoyed the most amazing meals last night and today, prepared with love by Adam. We even dropped off the truck for repair and dropped off the recycling, two things that have been on our white board to-do list staring at me and bringing low-grade stress into me, until they’re complete. So they’re done and all the above for accomplished as well and I’m with my family snuggling thinking about other things; particularly about what didn’t get done and what wasn’t right about the day. I felt a weird sort of guilt for enjoying my time with my family and like I didn’t work hard enough to enjoy this quiet time. Isn’t the whole part of working hard to be able to relax and enjoy the benefits? Is relaxation a muscle group that needs to be exercised in order to grow and develop? Yes. As we were playing with Aurora and listening to her giggles and squeals, I told Adam that I wanted to institute a limitation in gadget and internet use at our house. He looked at me and smiled and said he doesn’t have a gadget and he’s seldom on the computer, but he’s happy to support me in this goal. Yes, it’s me who needs to regulate myself on what feels to be a bizarre sort of addiction. A pondering on what it takes to “achieve” happiness and what could unfold for me when I redirect my attention from the online world to the offline one. I like it. More on everything tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

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