It’s less than 24 hours before my 41st birthday and I’m beginning to get that nervous excited feeling in my stomach that I’m approaching another milestone, another year. Today I had my first accountability meeting for this goal set the intention for yesterday, and that goal clearly articulated it to make my self care (and all it entails) and daily writing a priority. I’m showing up NOW for who I want to be AND who I want to be in 6 months, because I’m worth it.
Today I also feel reminiscent in that this time last year Adam and I were on a 3 week 40th birthday tour through the U.S. visiting friends and family and I was only a few weeks in to knowing I was pregnant with Aurora May.
I’d started planning this extravagant 40th bday tour last May when Aurora May was just a possibility that we hoped for each time it came for my cycle to come. But I got pregnant the second month of trying and we had no idea it would happen that fast, so I wondered how my plans were going to shake out with all the busy plans. We were scheduled to see Counting Crows, Matchbox 20, Coldplay, the play “Book of Mormon” and do Yoga on the Rocks outside of Boulder. And all this was happening in 4 different cities. It was a bold plan. And particularly bold for my first trimester, let’s just say that.
During our whirlwind tour I ended up spending a lot of time in bed throwing up, and I even walked out of the Book of Mormon because I was so nauseous and couldn’t handle being so close to the person next to me who wasn’t Adam. But I did my best and it turned out being an unforgettable trip.
But today, as I sit here staring at our beautiful daughter and remember that last year on this day I was doing Chaturangas at Red Rocks with 4000+ other yogis, it reminded me how beautiful life is and how much life has unfolded in the last year. We’ve had so many friends and family visit, we bought land and we’re currently designing a home that’s big enough to hold our dreams.
But what I also remember about this last year is all the messy self doubt I’ve had to sift through. Fear and worthiness around being a mom, around not doing it right and around something happening to Aurora and it being my fault.
I’ve faced some harsh truths around who I am, what kind of life I want and what kind of people we want in our energetic space. Because man oh man over this last year I’ve sure let some people have a great deal of my energy and attention who didn’t treat it with love, honor and respect. And isn’t that what we’re all seeking in this life? At least for us that’s what’s on our to be and to do list.
So in honor of this day before my birthday, this is what I’m committing to and what I’m willing to release:
To show up to what I’ve said I’m going to do
To give more time, energy & attention to my incredible husband & our relationship
To put down my gadget when Aurora is awake
To drink 50-60 oz of water a day and pump regularly to keep my milk flowing
To practice yoga 3-5 times per week
To have 10 min of recalibrating stillness every day
To communicate with kind words
To speak of others as I’d want them to speak of me
To write here daily
To keep a good documentation (physically) of what’s happened and gone down each day; because holy shit I can hardly remember yesterday!
To notice what’s right before I notice what’s wrong, about people, places or things
To trust and lean in when we encounter uncertainty
To trust that everything will heal itself given time or distance
What I’m willing to release:
My anxiety that I’m not there yet, with regards to my success, my body, my goals and my life
My belief that writing is hard
My fear around our future
My anxiety around money
My belief that I’m not organized and that I need to be
My sadness that any relationships isn’t where I want it- radical acceptance
My anxiety that the other shoe will drop
My tendency to notice what’s not enough or needs fixing in myself or my environment. That was effective for business but it’s not effective as a life skill
My resentment towards anyone because I know we’re all just doing our best
My stories that don’t serve me
My anxiety about sharing my writing with the public
What I’m inviting IN with this commitment:
New friends, old friends and healed relationships
New understandings of old situations
Compassion for myself
Compassion for others
More family beach time
Me learning to cook
Space for community
A home that supports our dreams
There, I said it and it felt like a lot, and most of it feels possible, even the learning to cook thing. Because right now I know that Aurora is watching everything I’m doing and everything I’m being, so it’s my job to instill in her way more life skills than I have thus far attained in my life.
And this is the space where I’m going to write through the creation and the allowing of all of that. And maybe some days sharing my words will flow easily, and maybe some days it’ll feel like fingernails on chalkboard writing about life. But that’s the point. I’ve made a commitment to write and really process what’s happening and has happened, and work through it all here.
And because a picture is worth 1000 words, each day will be accompanied with a picture.
Never forget the pleasure of the journey.