Day 1: The day before my birthday

August 6, 2018

It’s less than 24 hours before my 41st birthday and I’m beginning to get that nervous excited feeling in my stomach that I’m approaching another milestone, another year. Today I had my first accountability meeting for this goal set the intention for yesterday, and that goal clearly articulated it to make my self care (and all it entails) and daily writing a priority. I’m showing up NOW for who I want to be AND who I want to be in 6 months, because I’m worth it.

 

Today I also feel reminiscent in that this time last year Adam and I were on a 3 week 40th birthday tour through the U.S. visiting friends and family and I was only a few weeks in to knowing I was pregnant with Aurora May.

 

I’d started planning this extravagant 40th bday tour last May when Aurora May was just a possibility that we hoped for each time it came for my cycle to come. But I got pregnant the second month of trying and we had no idea it would happen that fast, so I wondered how my plans were going to shake out with all the busy plans. We were scheduled to see Counting Crows, Matchbox 20, Coldplay, the play “Book of Mormon” and do Yoga on the Rocks outside of Boulder. And all this was happening in 4 different cities. It was a bold plan. And particularly bold for my first trimester, let’s just say that.

 

During our whirlwind tour I ended up spending a lot of time in bed throwing up, and I even walked out of the Book of Mormon because I was so nauseous and couldn’t handle being so close to the person next to me who wasn’t Adam. But I did my best and it turned out being an unforgettable trip.

 

But today, as I sit here staring at our beautiful daughter and remember that last year on this day I was doing Chaturangas at Red Rocks with 4000+ other yogis, it reminded me how beautiful life is and how much life has unfolded in the last year. We’ve had so many friends and family visit, we bought land and we’re currently designing a home that’s big enough to hold our dreams.

 

But what I also remember about this last year is all the messy self doubt I’ve had to sift through. Fear and worthiness around being a mom, around not doing it right and around something happening to Aurora and it being my fault.

 

I’ve faced some harsh truths around who I am, what kind of life I want and what kind of people we want in our energetic space. Because man oh man over this last year I’ve sure let some people have a great deal of my energy and attention who didn’t treat it with love, honor and respect. And isn’t that what we’re all seeking in this life? At least for us that’s what’s on our to be and to do list.

 

So in honor of this day before my birthday, this is what I’m committing to and what I’m willing to release:

 

Commitments:

 

To show up to what I’ve said I’m going to do

To give more time, energy & attention to my incredible husband & our relationship

To put down my gadget when Aurora is awake

To drink 50-60 oz of water a day and pump regularly to keep my milk flowing

To practice yoga 3-5 times per week

To have 10 min of recalibrating stillness every day

To communicate with kind words

To speak of others as I’d want them to speak of me

To write here daily

To keep a good documentation (physically) of what’s happened and gone down each day; because holy shit I can hardly remember yesterday!

To notice what’s right before I notice what’s wrong, about people, places or things

To trust and lean in when we encounter uncertainty

To trust that everything will heal itself given time or distance

 

What I’m willing to release:

 

My anxiety that I’m not there yet, with regards to my success, my body, my goals and my life

My belief that writing is hard

My fear around our future

My anxiety around money

My belief that I’m not organized and that I need to be

My sadness that any relationships isn’t where I want it- radical acceptance

My anxiety that the other shoe will drop

My tendency to notice what’s not enough or needs fixing in myself or my environment. That was effective for business but it’s not effective as a life skill

My resentment towards anyone because I know we’re all just doing our best

My stories that don’t serve me

My anxiety about sharing my writing with the public

 

What I’m inviting IN with this commitment:

 

New friends, old friends and healed relationships

New understandings of old situations

New perspectives

Compassion for myself

Compassion for others

Fun

Lightness

Resiliency

Patience

Play

Sensuality

Forgiveness

Humor

Creativity

Massage

Follow through

More family beach time

Me learning to cook

Respect

Connections

Bigger dreams

Connection

Space for community

A home that supports our dreams

 

There, I said it and it felt like a lot, and most of it feels possible, even the learning to cook thing.  Because right now I know that Aurora is watching everything I’m doing and everything I’m being, so it’s my job to instill in her way more life skills than I have thus far attained in my life.

 

And this is the space where I’m going to write through the creation and the allowing of all of that. And maybe some days sharing my words will flow easily, and maybe some days it’ll feel like fingernails on chalkboard writing about life.  But that’s the point. I’ve made a commitment to write and really process what’s happening and has happened, and work through it all here.

 

And because a picture is worth 1000 words, each day will be accompanied with a picture.

 

Never forget the pleasure of the journey.

 

 

 

 

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